onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
