Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
