Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
