I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
