Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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