I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
