I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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