Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
