i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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