Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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