There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
