it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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