Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
