im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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