Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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