Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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