u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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