What did we do last night that was yellow?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.