I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.