update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?