so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
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i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me