The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
