I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
