It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
