carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You pole danced in your parka.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
