I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Never underestimate the power of titties
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
