So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
