i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
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