i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
