so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
