I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
