I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
