I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Randomize
