Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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