my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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