id be glad to
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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