i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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