Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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