i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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