I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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