there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.