so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
