The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
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Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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