My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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