well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
