im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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