Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
