Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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