Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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