I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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