do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
nutella sex= disaster
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
