She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my sisters under your porch take her home
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
