We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
