he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
