is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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