i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Plan B is the new Plan A
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
