he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro