thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need to sanitize my soul.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!