Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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