I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I want a musical about memes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
