3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
