The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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