Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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