I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
